Today Is My Fourth Wedding Anniversary: Reflections, Lessons, And Understanding Purpose

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary, and it feels like I just got married yesterday.

Photo Credit: Author

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary, and it feels like I just got married yesterday.

I have made about two or three attempts to write this essay over the past months. And this one is the final bus stop.

I always like to write something to celebrate important moments and people in my life. My wedding anniversaries have been one of those special moments I have used to share what I am learning.

Today, my marriage clocks four years, and I have never been this excited about my marriage anniversary. Even my wife attests to it.

This year’s anniversary is special to me because it’s a pivotal moment in my life when I started to see marriage and life differently.

Marriage has changed my life in so many ways.

I have learnt patience, self-control, sacrifice, and leadership. The lessons I am learning in marriage have been used in other areas of my life, and I share most of them through my writing.

In this essay, I will share some lessons I have learned and my reflections.

You can read on Medium.

If you’re planning on getting married, there are nuggets here that can help you, and if you’ve been married, there’s something you can take away.

Marriage Is Like Pottery or Sculpting

Marital relationships do start perfectly. At all. I see it as sculpting or pottery, where the potter or sculptor begins with a rough-looking piece of wood or mud and gradually and slowly works it into art.

The final outcome depends on the ability of the clay to stand still until the potter or sculptor is done with the whole work, and it takes time. It’s a process.

The old marriages we see today that we celebrate have come a long way under the hands of the potter or sculptor.

It takes patience and commitment to stay still and allow the potter to do His work.

Most marriages that unfortunately failed were not able to come to the point where they began to see the beauty in marriage. And every marriage is so different.

Some may take up to 5 years or even more for the beauty to start to show, and if the couple is not patient enough, they can drop out of the process and may never see the beauty in their unique union.

When I read about divorce or separation or the many challenges couples have to deal with, it really breaks my heart because many don’t understand that building a strong marriage takes a lot of time, it takes a lot of effort and sacrifice, and most people, especially young people, don’t understand sacrifice.

They don’t want anything to inconvenience them. Once they begin to sense some pressure or discomfort, they start to cry out and protest.

They forget that discomfort, pressure, and sometimes disappointments are part of the process marriages need to go through to become burnished.

I am not saying to endure abuse or a wicked partner.

That’s a very different issue in marriage.

What I am saying is that every marriage, the one where both parties are ready and willing to put in the work, will always face a different kind of challenge at one point, and it’s the duty of both parties to decide to remain there, learn the lessons, adjust, evolve adapt and do all that it takes to pass through the difficulties and come out better and stronger.

Marriage could be a very complex relationship. And it has the capacity to make you happy or turn you into a very sad and unhappy person.

Have you not seen nice people who, because of marriage, became horrible people?

Marriage changed them the wrong way and made them bitter towards marriage and even towards men/women.

We hear of wonderful women becoming self-professed feminists because of the ugly experiences they’ve had with relationships, and we hear of men who become misogynists because of heartbreaks in marital relationships.

It’s About Both Of You

I will always say that when both parties in a marital relationship are ready to give it all it takes, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, for that marriage to fail.

But if one person is the only one carrying the burden of sacrifice, compromise and adjusting, it will take the grace of God for that marriage to stand, and there are many marriages like this where only one party is the one doing all the work to keep the marriage alive.

It’s sad, but sometimes people change, and it’s complex to understand why most people change.

All marriages start with plenty of excitement, celebration and hope for the future.

No marriage starts with tears and sorrow, none that I know of.

It’s a thing of joy, and both parties are excited about the future, but life will always happen along the way.

Your partner can change.

They can bend under life’s pressure and can, unfortunately, become terrible thorns in the marriage, really sore spots.

I have read a lot about how partners become terrible after getting married.

Sometimes, one party pretends so that they can enter marriage, and then their true colours show up.

This happens when we don’t take time to really understand the other person.

Don’t get carried away by all the excitement and outer looks.

Take your time to understand them beyond the surface, and really do your homework.

If you notice several significant red flags and you choose to move forward anyway, then that’s on you. There are certain red flags that should never be overlooked.

There may be a few yellow flags that might be easy to handle, but when you keep seeing conspicuous red flags here and there, you need to think hard.

I think it’s wisdom. Really.

I have read of people who say the tendencies of an abusive partner during courtship, and they still decided to marry, hoping that they would change.

Now, a trait like abuse runs very deep, deeper than what most of us see outwardly.

When I was growing up as a child, I saw my parents fight and quarrel many times, but I never grew up to be abusive.

I made sure that habit never rested in my heart.

But there are other people who may have become abusive because of seeing their parents fight or quarrel, or seeing their father abuse them.

People are really different.

There are people who have serious problems with gambling. During courtship or dating, you observe it and shrug it off, thinking it will change somehow when you get married. Now that you’re married, you have your bath with your purse because once your partner gets hold of your credit cards, it’s gone!

Most of the problems people have with marriage can be addressed at the early stage of courtship or dating. But you know, we are always carried away by feelings.

A man or woman cheating on you before you get married will definitely cheat after marriage.

If it’s a habit and part of them, they will take it into the marriage. And with time, it will reveal itself and hurt the union.

I used to be very secretive and had serious trust issues before marriage. I hardly trusted anyone.

It took a long time before I started to understand the importance of trust.

If I didn’t deal with the trust issue, it would hurt my marriage. So, I had to be aggressive with it.

Will everybody be like me, who will have the boldness, courage and discipline to face their weakness?

No. Some will keep it. Some even enjoy it and will do everything to keep in that state.

You see, most people, especially young fellows, think there must be excitement and happiness every day of their marital lives.

They think the sex must be good every day.

They think the food must be good every day.

They think their partner must smell and look good every day.

They think their partner must be in a good mood every day.

They think there will be enough money to buy all the things they like every day.

They think babies must come right away!

And when these things don’t happen as they expect, they begin to say — “ the romance is missing, and everything has gone cold.”

No, nothing went cold. The spark is still there, but both of you are now growing and need to put in the work to ensure the marriage is kept alive and healthy.

Our happiness and joy in marriage come from something way deeper than just the things we see and experience and the tingling feelings. It’s a knowing, it’s a commitment, a very big one.

Young people don’t want to be committed.

The young ladies feel they have their lives to live and don’t want any man to tell them what to do. And the men want to live their lives the way they want it and don’t want the women telling them what to do.

You see, it’s a big problem with inner maturity. And the only solution to inner maturity is a solid and rugged resolve to grow out of childishness or anything preventing growth and embrace maturity.

My Skewed View Of Marriage

Many of us grew up with bad and distorted views about marriage.

Most people saw their parents fight, quarrel and do nasty things to themselves. And they unconsciously inherited some of those views and perspectives, with many even vowing never to get married.

I also had my own distorted views about marriage.

As I matured, I didn’t know that I grew up with most of those distorted views about marriage, and when I was now preparing for my own marriage, I found myself confronting those perspectives.

So, I had to choose.

Follow my experience or look for a better path.

I chose to look for a better path, and I have not regretted it.

In life, the ability to make choices rests solely with us. No one is going to force you to make the right or wrong choice.

The responsibility for deciding to walk the right path is ours.

And four years down the path, I have no regrets.

What are some of the distorted views about marriage you have?

You might even be married and still have those funny perspectives hiding somewhere, waiting for the right opportunity to manifest.

Like most men esteem their mothers above their wives. Some women respect their fathers more than their husbands.

We carry all sorts of strange and funny perspectives along in our marital journeys.

Let them go.

Men Are Naturally Bad At Communication And Good At Holding Grudges — The Patriarchy Is To Be Blamed

Let me write a little bit about this natural character of men.

When I read this somewhere from a woman who had been married for almost 50 years, I quickly understood what she was saying. I also discovered this at one point in my life, and it became profound when I got married.

When I had a little fight with my wife, instead of communicating, I would go mum. Wouldn’t say anything, sometimes for days.

I wouldn’t know how to (or want to) communicate with her. I kept grudges like I was storing stones or gravel in my heart (literally felt like stones in there).

This went on for a while, and it was my wife who would always come around to break the spell. She’s the outgoing one, very lively and full of life.

After some time, I discovered this habit was…immature.

Mature men know how to communicate.

They don’t keep things in their minds; they talk about them!

Today, I can’t remember the last time I held a grudge against my wife.

Whatever happens, we make sure we talk about it immediately!

It doesn’t matter how small or big it is.

Letting grudges from our hearts has helped us greatly.

If your spouse does something you don’t like, instead of keeping it in your heart and turning it into a grudge, let it out and talk about it immediately.

Men need to learn how to communicate, especially with their wives and children.

If you’re unhappy about something, say it. Address it. Talk about it. Don’t allow it to remain in your heart at all!

And finally…

It’s Not Marriage That Makes People Happy — It’s Something Deeper!

Before I finished writing this essay, I read a handful of essays and articles about marriage. And I discovered certain things that I will share here.

You see, most people don’t understand what marriage is. Oh, yes. They don’t. And I am going to preach you a sermon now, my friends!

When the purpose of marriage is misunderstood, people mishandle it.

They approach it like it’s another social activity or a mere tradition.

This is where people get it all wrong.

Growing up as a Christian has made me understand many things about life, and I am glad that my life as a person is governed by the principles of Christianity.

People get married because they want to be happy, have children or escape loneliness.

Marriage can naturally offer these things, but if we are entering marital union primarily because we want to be happy, have children or escape loneliness, then that’s where the problem actually starts.

For us Christians, marriage is an earthly expression of a divine intent.

So, when I am doing my marital duties, I am not just aware of my own needs but those of God.

In following His plan for my marriage, I know He is faithful in providing joy, children, and all other physical things that come with marriage — the blessing of marriage.

It’s God’s duty; it’s His assignment, and He is committed to it to provide blessings while I follow and remain under His government.

Every marriage under God is unique and has a divine destiny.

So, the ultimate solution to all the marriage chaos we experience in our world today is God. Very simple. But people don’t want to listen.

They think, especially the smart ones, it’s all about religion.

It’s not religion. It’s about purpose.

So, my success in marriage is not directly my burden but the burden of the Almighty God.

Once I play my role in following and obeying, He is committed to sending blessings and preserving my marriage.

When the storms come, I look up to Him, who has commanded marriage for help and wisdom.

And to thank my wonderful wife.

Thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me after my commitment to follow The LORD Jesus Christ.

You’ve made my life easy.

I only worry about fulfilling my destiny and purpose.

Thank you for how you take care of your immediate family and the big family!

You are the perfect example of a virtuous woman.

This is to four years and forever!

Happy wedding anniversary to us!